Loss is hard

this post is dedicated to my dear cousin, Angel

On October 24th, 2024*, my aunt in the Philippines passed away. She had been fighting cancer for two years. I did not know her as much as I would have liked to, since we live so far away, but I know she was a beautiful wife and loving mother to her two daughters. 

One of my aunt's daughters Angel, is my age. I have a group of cousins I usually stick with on my trips to the Philippines, and Angel is one of them. Angel is sweet, smart, and fun to be with. I remember when I and two of my other cousins, Bevien and Jasmine, were in the car together. Angel got carsick easily, so we tried to help distract her by taking turns telling stories. Angel was so nice to be around. 

Angel, I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. Your mama must have been so brave, battling cancer for two years. Why must it happen to you? Why couldn't it have been someone else? You weren't done growing up yet, and your mama wanted to be with you during this time. And you needed her. It must feel so wrong. 

On October 24th, 2019, my grandfather in the Philippines passed away. This was very hard for my mom, since she loved her father so much. It seemed as if he would live a long life, so his passing was heartbreaking. I was shocked when I heard. The details are a bit complicated, but the doctors had made a few mistakes. 

Though I hadn't known my Lolo too well, I loved him very much. I cried when we we got the text, "Wala si Papa." (No Papa, Papa is not there) I cried during the video tribute in the Philippines. I cried at the church service. I cried in the van on the way to the funeral. I cried at the funeral. I cried as they sealed the coffin. But I was quiet on the way back. 

Now I can only think, if I was so heartbroken at his death, how did my mom feel? It must have been indescribable for her. She had lost her mother when she was 16 to a terrible death. And now, her father was gone too. The one who had been there for her as she grew up. The one who had flown kites with her, who had built everything, who had taken care of her during the time without her mother. 

I wish I had gotten to know both my aunt and my grandfather better. I do not know why they passed on the same day, 5 years apart. October 24th must be a painful day for my uncle, since it was the day that he lost both his wife and father. Everyone I've lost I wish I had gotten to know better. My grandmother, friends, and the grandmother that I was never able to meet. 

Loss is not easy. Not even when you know that your loved one is going to heaven. Not even when you know that God had a purpose. Not even when you know that they are done with their suffering. There's no "at least" when it comes to grieving. Loss is painful, loss is terrible, loss is not fair. 

I got this from a website, and it really stood out to me. 

Time helps minimize grief, but it will never get rid of the love you shared.

Angel, I love you and I am here for you if you need to talk. Here is a song that made me think of you.

 

Readers, if you've lost someone, whether it was recently or a long time ago, my heart goes out to you. Remember that God is always there to listen to you in your anger, sadness, or grief. I cannot say that I know what you're going through, because I don't. Every situation is unique. But I am so, so sorry. If you are comfortable with it, please let me know what you're going through so I can keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

*The Philippines is currently 12 hours ahead of us, so this was yesterday. (I say currently because it is 13 hours during daylight savings)